She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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