Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
