my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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