Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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