I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
