Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
