I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
