dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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