I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
