kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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