ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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