She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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