Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
