i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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