I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
