Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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