On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
