just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
