I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
