so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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