I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
