So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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