Your dad touched me again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
