the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
