I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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