She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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