Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
