when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
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somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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