I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape