the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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