She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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