Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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