I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
