I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
