I think im going to throw up on grandma
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Randomize
