You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
