The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
