just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
