in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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