The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
