I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
