wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
