dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
