Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
