sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
