tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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