He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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