3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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