Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
nutella sex= disaster
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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