woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
