She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
