dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
