I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
